Monday, November 21, 2005

How not to lose a guy in 10 days

Megha's excellent rules got me thinking and i came up with some donts for women in relationships. Why in relationships and why not during courtship, smart ones might ask. This is because nothing, absolutely nothing deters a guy during courtship (especially if he is a mechanical engineer by education, whose sexual life thus far has mostly comprised making up silly jokes about the piston and the cylinder). It is only once the initial euphoria of a new relationship dies down that a guy starts noticing that there is something seriously wrong with the other person and that this is actually a hostile situation. What follows is a mix of befuddlement and horror, followed by an irreversible escalation because of what every animal has been fondly programmed to do by the powers that be: 'fight or flight'.So ladies, before you wake up one day to find your guy missing from your bed and life, please note these small pearls of wisdom distilled through aeons of male suffering (by the way this automatically acts as a disclaimer against originality in case you didnt notice):

1. Kindly temper your responses to stimuli. Shrieking, hysterically giggling and wailing are a big no-no. So is saying 'Thats so cuuuuuuuuuuuute!!' to everything to which you dont say 'Thats Horrrrrrrrrrrrible!!!' Some things can be cute and some things horrible. But you cannot thumb your noses at mother nature who has been working non stop to create such a diverse oeuvre, by classifying everything as one of the two. Kindly make use of the mind boggling array of adjectives invented for the sole purpose of describing objects and phenomena.

2. Stop drooling over Shahrukh Khan. He is not God's gift to womankind. He is just a middle aged actor with black lips who stammers. All the 'cuuuuuuuuuuute' stuff he does on screen is fake. And no, guys dont feel insecure when you eulogise him. They just realise that you dont have a life. Also, stop comparing your guy to your father. The old man is a nice guy and all. And hats off to him for raising you. Must have taken a lot (just kiddin!). But like any other guy, he is also human with follies and shortcomings. Dont believe it? ask your mother.
3. What is it with women and flowers? and chocolates? and kids? Now guys arent really complaining about your irrational 'how cuuuuuuuuuuuuuute'-inducing affinity towards these things. Infact, we are forever thankful to flowers and chocolates which bail us out of many a sticky situation with women. But one would assume-and the law of diminishing marginal utility would come to one's support- that in due course of time, your eye lids will start fluttering a wee bit less and the 'cute' will become a wee bit shorter in response to these things. Nope. Never Happens. And gradually, the irrationality gets to your guy. Just makes us wonder at times why we arent a bar of mars. I mean, as the old joke goes, chocolates are no better than men-they head straight for the butt. But still in a lady's preference list, there is as much distance between chocolates and men as between Paris Hilton's legs (on most nights).

4. Please give your guy some space. Dont make 'where u going?' the most common thing you say to him. And if he doesnt talk to you for a day, it is cool. It is perfectly possible and normal that he may not have anything to talk about on some days. Please dont snoop into his belongings. Chances are that you will find porn and maybe the cigarettes you thought he had quit. But it still doesnt mean that he loves you any less and there is nothing horrrrrrrrible about it.

5. That women get together and bitch about their guys is bad enough. But please dont come back and tell your guy about it. For a guy, there are few things more irritating in the world than his woman looking at him with that unique combination of anger, hurt and accusation that only women can stir up and saying: 'Rita's boyfriend dumped her for some dumb bombshell...all guys are like that only'. All guys are not like that. And please dont expect your guy to perform the how-much-he-loves-you-and-how-he-can-never-leave-you drill every time you come up with such puerile accusations. This is an extremely demeaning and frustrating exercise for a man.

6. Please dont expect cloying, syrupy exchanges of amorous declarations all the time. Too much sweetness causes metabolic disorders like broken relationships. As your relationship progresses, it is perfectly natural for such mushy saccharine to (thankfully) give way to a more comfortable and relaxed bonding. Let it happen and revel in the new form your relationship is taking. Dont hurl brickbats like 'you have changed' or 'i misunderstood you!'at your guy as regularly as you brush your teeth.

In conclusion, guys want to be themselves and to be left alone. Now I am not trying to imply that this is what you should do. Infact, guys are so gullible that you can make them do precisely what you desire. But the trick is act cool, gracious, pricey, non-combative and charming all the time. Guys are suckers for class I say. So treat your guy like shit, without telling him in so many words, and live happily ever after, with or with out him.

Friday, March 11, 2005

A Train of Thought

As I wind up the day's work and get ready to go home, it is not the excitement of watching a couple of Friends' episodes or the thought of the couple of shots of Absolut awaiting me at home that is on my mind. I am instead dreading the long journey back home on the 7.24 local.
Statisticians get orgasms citing the number of people travelling on Mumbai's local trains everyday. The zillions of commuters travelling on trains designed to carry one hundredth of that amount face a formidable task reaching office in the morning and then back home in the evening in a condition in which their colleagues, family and mirror can recognise them.
The Mumbai local during peak hour is like a reluctant hydra headed monster. It moves along slowly, hissing its way into a station, where it disgorges hundreds of sapped bodies, only to gobble up an even greater number of fresh prey. In the sixteen minute morning journey from Bandra to Lower Parel, I undergo a huge amount of emotional catharsis. I ponder over the futility of life everytime someone crushes my toes or prods my liver with his elbows. It is as if Lord Krishna whispers into my ear about the ephemerality of a good shoeshine or a well ironed shirt.And I often find joy in pain, like when someone scratches my arm thinking that it is his or when I get back at the world, wiping my sweaty brow against someone else's hitherto pristine white shirt.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

The Aperitif...

Hey world!
Welcome to my little coop in this big bad world. This is a haven for all those who feel (mostly crappy), think (mostly uncharitable things), aspire(to become epicureans) and are particularly sceptical about generally everything. This big blog idea occured to me in a bout of narcissism and I intend to pour out my creative juices to script some really heartfelt caricatures of our lives and times. A heady cocktail i intend it to be, titillating the senses, tingling the palates, making the heads swim just a wee bit. A potent pot pourri of a large measure each of wit and sarcasm, a dash (not too much though) of logic, stirred vigorously in that most versatile of all machines, the human brain, with a hint of weltschmerz and an underlying taste of sensuousness, served in a glass of felicitous language...(phew! that spiel does show that I am in a sales job, doesnt it??)
My takeaways? creative satisfaction, a vent to the fire within and of course, your comments...